This is a repost from my old blog...but was so IMPORTANT to the ME inside, I am posting it again. Maybe it will touch your heart in someway. -- Jeanette Originally posted July 9, 2009
Sometimes God is moving in so many ways in my life, I can hardly keep up it seems! He so loves each of us and desires for us to grow...more like Him...more in knowledge of Him. And sometimes, I just wanna be me...what I mean is....focused on me and MY wants. MY preceived needs. What I WANT...you know, gimme, gimme, gimme oh and then I'll be happy, God! This is a story of what God did in me very recently. It is transparent, vulnerable to put it here but what I wrote here was written the day after all that took place, and posting it here is a monument to Daddy God and His amazing grace. Be blessed. - Jeanette
This weekend He had me do something I thought I would never do. In fact, when it was first brought up, I truly almost physically vomited. But God has a way of talking and correcting with gentle love...and 24 hours later He had me seeing it His way...My mom and I, well...we've had issues. He's shown me her and how she got the way she is and has been...but it still doesn't take away the anger, rage and almost a hate that revisits even though I have thought I've forgiven her.
Talking with her this week on the phone...she asked me to come up to cut her toenails. She is 83 and has had three hip replacements (one redone twice) and for her to do this task herself is virtually impossible...I understood that, and still...vomit rose to the surface. The thought of bowing down to serve her when all I've ever felt was dislike from her, lack of approval...and that "I'm not good enough" stamp across my forehead that she put there through years of negative talk and belittlement all at my expense...well, to bow down in service...caused bile to rise up in me. I sat and talked with God long and hard asking WHY did I react that way...and He showed me. He moved me around to having His heart by simply speaking to me, "pray for her". I KNEW I could do that...so I did. Then He spoke again saying..."go wash her feet". Well that covered a whole lot more feelings and emotions let me tell you!!! I knew I had to do it, I squirmed because I wanted to obey yet wanted to run...I had to do it. It wasn't about my mom. It was totally about my healing in that part of my heart that she occupies. I went. And when I first got there, it was bad...it was ugly. She was mean, bitter, angry, ugly in words and face. The usual Mom. I wanted to run, boy, did I want to run! And then, I think God, knowing my heart, SILENCED the demons, silenced the oppression, and light walked in. The mood got better, we had a nice lunch together in her apartment. Then I said, "I have something for us to do after lunch". She said ok. And that's how it all got set up. Over the next hour, with my mom sitting in her easy chair, I soaked her feet...I trimmed her jagged, long toe nails. I smoothed them with an emery board. Then I said, "I brought some nail polish, Mom. Do you want me to paint your nails?" And that was when the most amazing part of this time began to happen. In a wonderful childlike voice, she said, "oh yes!! please!" And so I did. I sat on the floor and painted her nails a lovely light purplish pink. And the entire time, she spoke positive after positive. "Oh Sha-Netty (that's what she has always called me)they look so nice! You could have a job doing this! Look how pretty they are! Oh, they are beautiful! She cooed, "My Sha-Netty"...When I moved to her second foot leaving the other to dry...she said it. The statement that HEALED my heart. "Oh Jeanette, (using my name this time)I know I talk awful. I know I say awful things...but you have to know that I LOVE YOU TO DEATH". Wow. In those words the gates of Hell shuddered. Time stood still. I had waited 50 years for those words, in that loving tone...no strings attached. God in his graciousness had held tears and any overflow of emotion in check for me because He knew how hard this all was...but when she said that, I felt tears...and I could not look at her for fear I would begin to cry and never stop. I finished painting her nails...and left them to dry. We watched more of the Cooking Channel, and later I massaged lotion into her beautiful feet. When it was time to leave, I said, "well you're gonna need to take you socks and slippers off to see your pretty toes!" She smiled and said, "I will in just a minute. I'm gonna put on my sandals and go get the mail, and tell them all about my pretty toes". I left then. I got down the second hallway of her building before I began to cry. And I cried and I cried and I cried. God's goodness makes me wordless. It's why I couldn't write this all earlier...I had to wait for the words to catch up with the actual happening. A simple sentence said with the tone and depth of love HEALED THAT PART OF MY HEART. Amazing. And all because I listened to Him. I washed my mom's feet and He cleansed my heart. Amazing.